Admiral Fowle’s Piscataqua River Tidal Guide
(Not for Navigational Purposes)
Sat, June 17
2020—“[T]he numbers are very minuscule compared to what it was,” says Dolt #45, “[Covid is] dying out.” 2017—Brass on the U.S.S. Fitzgerald get their nimble destroyer rammed by a container ship; 7 enlisted sailors die, three are injured, repairs bill: $367M. 2015—Oxymoronic white “supremacist” murders nine in Charleston, S.C. 1972—A Black Vietnam veteran catches Nixon’s…
Fri, June 16
2020—The Wall Street Journal publishes Mike Pence’s op-ed, “There Isn’t a Coronavirus Second Wave.” 2019—“Last Call” at The Hammer. 2015—For $50 each, 240 actors cheer on cue in the lobby of Trump Tower as the star of a (cancelled) TV show announces he’s running for President. 2000—The Energy Department finds missing top-secret computer hard drives…
Thurs, June 15
2016—Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy [R-Calif.] tells colleagues, “I think there’s two people Putin pays: Rohrabacher and Trump.” 2006—The Supreme Court rules evidence seized by cops breaking “no knock” rules can be used in court. 2002—Arthur Anderson is convicted of impeding investigation of Enron, G.W.[MD] Bush’s #1 contributor. 1967—Calif. Gov. Ronald Reagan signs a bill liberalizing…
Wed, June 14
2016—Lane Graves, 2, is killed by an alligator at Disney World. In response, Disney installs signs warning that alligators are present. 2001—Dennis Koslowski throws a $2.1 million party on Sardinia for his wife Karen’s 40th birthday. Half the cost is covered by Tyco International. 1954—Dwight D. Eisenhower signs a bill adding “under God” to the…
Tues, June 13
2005—Congress apologizes for having failed to pass 200 anti-lynching bills between 1882 and 1968. 1999—In Kosovo, British Lieut. Gen. Mike Jackson refuses NATO Commander Wesley Clark’s orders to take the Russian-occupied Pristina airport, saying, “I’m not going to start the Third World War for you.” 1983—Pioneer 10 exits the solar system. 1971—Because “The Pentagon Papers”…
Mon, June 12
2000—The Energy Department admits that two hard drives holding top-secret data on nuclear weapons have been missing for over a month. 1991—White House Chief of Staff John H. Sununu takes a government limousine from D.C. to New York City to attend a rare stamp auction. 1981—Failing to recognize the only Black person in his Cabinet,…
Sun, June 11
1995—In Claremont, N.H., Bill Clinton and Newt Gingrich shake hands and pledge to reform lobbying and campaign financing. Yeah, right. 1990—The Supreme Court rules flag desecration laws are unconstitutional. 1984—The Supreme Court gives prosecutors a new loophole for using illegally-obtained evidence. 1963—In Saigon, motionless, burning, Thich Quang Duc bends history. 1963—George Wallace takes a stand…
Sat, June 10
1990—British Airways pilot Tim Lancaster is sucked half-way out of Flight 5390 when its windshield blows out over Oxfordshire. The plane lands safely; Lancaster resumes flying. 1988—The Justice Dept. says “no entry” to a bike messenger in a T-shirt saying “Experts agree: Meese is a pig.” 1975—The Rockefeller Commission finds that the CIA’s CHAOS operation…
Fri, June 9
2016—Donald Trump’s son, son-in-law, and campaign manager meet at Trump Tower with a whole slew of Russians with peculiar associations. 1989—James Watt, Ronald Reagan’s Interior Secretary, admits to a House committee that he was paid $400,000 for making a few phone calls on a topic about which he knew nothing. 1978—The Mormon Church drops its…
Thurs, June 8
2003—Condoleeza Rice admits Pres. George W.[MD] Bush’s State of the Union claim that Saddam tried to buy uranium from Niger was “wrong.” 1991—In a National Victory Celebration, Abrams tanks and 85° heat wreck D.C.’s Constitution Ave. 1967—Israeli planes and boats attack the unarmed U.S. spy ship Liberty with rockets, machine guns, and napalm; 34 sailors…
Wed, June 7
2018—Attacked by a bobcat in her Georgia driveway, DeDe Phillips, 46, strangles the rabid animal. 1997—At the fed-funded Bradbury Science Museum in Los Alamos, New Mexico, activists are arrested for passing out copies of the Bill of Rights. 1971—An article in the Armed Forces Journal says “our army…in Vietnam is in a state approaching collapse.”…
Tues, June 6
2002—Donald Rumsfeld explains to the unknowing that unknown unknowns are “things we do not know we don’t know”—and he should know. 2001—Florida man Vance Flosenzier drags a seven-foot shark from shallow water; paramedics drag his nephew Jesse Arbogast’s arm from its mouth; doctors successfully re-attach the arm. 1989—At a chaotic funeral attended by 10 million,…
Mon, June 5
2013—News outlets reveal that the NSA, under a Top Secret court order, has been Hoovering™ up the phone records of millions of Americans. 2008—Despite Mayoral objections and a lack of public hearings, Blackwater opens a training facility in San Diego; a judge says Blackwater’s a person whose rights must not be violated. 2003—Two top editors…
Sun, June 4
2017—It’s the last “Last Call” at Portsmouth’s Press Room. 2006—A Ukrainian man enters the lion cage at the Kiev zoo, saying “God will save me, if he exists.” He does not. 2004—Marvin Heemeyer destroys the Granby, Colo. Town Hall, the mayor’s home, and 11 other buildings with his home-made armored bulldozer because “God has asked…
Sat, June 3
2009—New Hampshire becomes the first state to legalize same-sex marriage without a court order. 2002—Egypt says it warned the U.S., a week before 9/11, that al-Qaeda was about to strike the U.S. 1983—In Medina, N.D., “Greatest Generation” veteran, Posse Comitatus co-founder, and anti-tax crank Gordon Kahl dies in a shootout with the FBI, having slain…
Portsmouth, arguably the first town in this country not founded by religious extremists, is bounded on the north and east by the Piscataqua River, the second, third, or fourth fastest-flowing navigable river in the country, depending on whom you choose to believe.
The Piscataqua’s ferocious current is caused by the tide, which, in turn, is caused by the moon. The other player is a vast sunken valley — Great Bay — about ten miles upriver. Twice a day, the moon drags about seventeen billion gallons of seawater — enough to fill 2,125,000 tanker trucks — up the river and into Great Bay. This creates a roving hydraulic conflict, as incoming sea and the outgoing river collide. The skirmish line moves from the mouth of the river, up past New Castle, around the bend by the old Naval Prison, under Memorial Bridge, past the tugboats, and on into Great Bay. This can best be seen when the tide is rising.
Twice a day, too, the moon lets all that water go. All the seawater that just fought its way upstream goes back home to the ocean. This is when the Piscataqua earns its title for xth fastest current. Look for the red buoy, at the upstream end of Badger’s Island, bobbing around in the current. It weighs several tons, and it bobs and bounces in the current like a cork.
The river also has its placid moments, around high and low tides. When the river rests, its tugboats and bridges work their hardest. Ships coming in laden with coal, oil, and salt do so at high tide, for more clearance under their keels. They leave empty, riding high in the water, at low tide, to squeeze under Memorial Bridge.